I have mixed feelings about today . . . because 11 years ago, Feb. 10, 1996, my Grandpa, Paul William Lamm, passed away.

I have to admit that I don't always catch the significance of this date. With three kids and everything else going on in my life, I'll admit there have been years that I have totally forgotten. But this year I would have been hard pressed to.

Yesterday I helped Kid #1's class set up for their Grandparent's Tea.

It was a wonderful function. The kids worked on family trees and wrote stories about their grandparents and how much they meant to them. But it was the picture slide show that got to me and seeing the family picture with my son and my father-in-law.

When I was growing up I didn't get to see my grandparents that often. We lived in So. Cal. and all our other relatives lived in Wisconsin. I got to see them more when I was younger, but the visits got fewer and more spread out as I got older. So I really came to appreciate my time with them and why I'm so grateful that my in-laws live a mere 30 minutes away and my parents are just a day trip away.

I was lucky enough to have all my grandparents with me at my wedding 13 1/2 years ago.

My last real conversation with his was a strange one. It was Nov. 1995, and he had called me because he had sent my birthday card late (my birthday's Nov. 1 and he called me around the 20th). We had a great but very interesting conversation. We talked about all sorts of stuff, and then I congratulated him on the impending birth of his first great-grandchild. He thanked me, made a comment around the circumstances behind it and then said something that struck me . . .

He said, "I'm waiting for you dear."

I knew something was wrong when my Dad told me in Dec. that Grandpa was going into the hospital for by-pass surgery. Even though both my grandpa's had fought, and won, battles with cancer, a stroke, and ulcers, I knew my Grandpa Lamm was not in the best of health. I was just starting to work on my writing, but I had this poem pop into my head . . .

GRANDPAS ARE LIKE LOLLIPOPS

Grandpas are like lollipops
and as strange as that my seem,
the more and more I think about it
it does make sense,
you see . . .

Most Grandpas are sweet
of course most lollipops are too
and they come in all shapes and sizes.
As for lollipops, that's also true.

But the one big difference
I can make between the two,
is that lollipops come and go,
but your Grandpa is always with you.

I love you Grandpa with all my heart
and I hope you always know
that you'll always be with me
wherever you may go.

I got the chance to see my Grandpa a week before he died and I read the poem to him. It was one of the hardest things I had ever done. I didn't go to his memorial service, but a couple of my cousins read the poem at the service. I hope everyone there enjoyed as much as he did.

I'll admit that I did "see" my Grandpa one last time. 3 weeks after my Grandpa died, I found out I was pregnant. At 30 weeks, I went into pre-term labor for a very strange reason (I had an asyptomatic bladder infection). While I was in the hospital, a flurry of activity of nurses and doctors around me, I had an incredible sense of peace because I could feel someone in the room, telling me that everything would be all right.

It was my Grandpa.

I was on bedrest for 4 1/2 weeks, and Kid #1 made his entrance into the world on Oct. 10, 1996. 8 months to the day after my Grandpa died. With blond hair and blue eyes. What makes this even more significant (or in my case funny) was that Kid #1 was a month early and my Grandpa had always been INCREDIBLY anal about being on time.

He lived by the credo, "If you aren't early, you're late."

Do I think my son is the reincarnation of my Grandpa? That's for others to wonder. But at the very least I think he has a very special angel watching over him.

I just wanted to say . . . I miss you Grandpa . . . and just remember, Lisa loves you.